Sitting in this body.

Body love! Body Acceptance!

Boy those sound great. I preach this every day. But I have been finding it hard to practice what I preach.

I have been combating this horrible voice for weeks inside my head.

“you’re getting fatter.”

“That doesn’t fit you anymore, see its true.”

Counteracting it with a new voice that is tired, but willing to fight.

“I don’t want to go back to that, please don’t make me.”

Head down, feet dragging eyes glazed over.

A new war is taking place inside me. The fight to be healthy overall and the fight to go back to old ways.

The desire to be thin and be “loved” “accepted” is so strong inside of me right now. I am trying to dig deeper, what is the deeper-rooted cause of these desires?

If I knew I don’t think I would be having such a hard time. I have been fighting these new flooding thoughts of hurting myself. If I can’t control my food, and I can’t punish myself with exercise, I need some other sense of control and release!

These thoughts are constant. And I can usually push them away. I am just awaiting some release, somebody acceptance? I guess trust is all that I have to hold on to. Trust that this will start to go away….that I will trust my body through this intuitive process.

Is this what it feels like to lose control?